This here is a story I've worked on for a wee bit of time. (eg: Since winter of '04) and I hope to publish this someday, so I was wanting some constructive critisism or something.
This is not the whole story. The whole story is 123,000 characters, which is probably more than TPH could handle..
Just a taster for those who care enough to read it!
"Good afternoon, Deccus. I knew I could trust you in coming here."
Deccus stood up. He has been sitting for awhile, so his legs were slightly stiff and he wobbled a little, but maintained his composure. He was addressing the General, after all.
"Yes, sir. I always keep my word. I agreed to be here, and here I am."
"Good. Then I have an assignment for you. I need you to command a small force and take over an enemy outpost on the outskirts of their territory. It's far enough from their headquarters that they probably won't retake it."
"How large is my force, sir?"
"It consists of five soldiers, including you."
"What? That's a nothing troop!"
"I assure you, they are very well trained in what they do. They're waiting for you at the Academy, ready to leave when you need. They're all in dorm room five. Go meet them, get to know them, and finish your assignment. One of the soldiers knows how to get to the target. Return here after you're done."
"But..."
"GO!"
Deccus left without a word of objection. When the General tells you to go, you go, no questions asked.
Deccus stepped out of the head building and blinked from the sudden change of light. It's always so dark in there. The General never showed his full face, for fear of spies finding him when he went home. The fresh coat of snow seemed really bright in the noon sun. Regardless of the weather, he headed for the Academy.
Deccus walked through the city of Vahal, a town surrounded by a thick, high wall. There were food stores, weapon shops, suburbs, almost everything you'd expect in a city.
If it weren't completely populated by children.
This didn't surprise Deccus in any way, for he was only a child of twelve years himself. There was no one over fourteen in the town. The wall around the city was composed of only densely packed snow around a wood foundation, since the engineers here didn't know how to mix concrete. It stood over 10 feet high, and a meter thick. Soldiers walked on top of the wall, armed with Snowthrowers. They were basic infantry, only ten years of age. Since Deccus was older, he was a bit more advanced than the standard unit. For one, Deccus had thicker armor. He also had a shield, which clearly marked him as a 'Shield Joe' unit. He wasn't an average Shield Joe, however. He had a much more advanced gun. Instead of holding a small hand-held Snowthrower, he had an S-buster, which enveloped his entire hand and had a com unit built right in. Usually com units were separate walkie-talkies, but not Deccus's. He made the gun himself, as with his outfit. No one had a second glance at Deccus. They were all busy, or they didn't care. Most soldiers made their own outfits, so no one criticized any one else's. Except for the Bunny Boy. Rumor was he was bugged to the brink of insanity, and ran away from Vahal before he graduated from the Academy. Ah, the memories Deccus had at that place...
He arrived at his destination before he realized it. He entered and paused, looking around.
It was exactly as he remembered. From the fountain in the middle of the entry hall, from the four huge stairways leading to different destinations in the massive building.
Deccus took the stairwell that led to the dormitories. The amount of times he took these stairs...
He chuckled. He was only a child, yet he thought like an adult, thinking of past memories in such a way. He felt rather old, as well. A child shouldn't have to feel this way.
He found dorm room five rather quickly, since it used to be his friend Holly's room. Deccus opened the door and entered.
In the room were four people, doing various tasks. Two people were playing cards on the table, one losing badly. Another person, whom Deccus recognized immediately as Holly herself, who was leaning against the wall watching the card game with low interest. The only other person in the room was sitting on the window sill, drawing something on a notepad.
"I never expected you to be the commander of this mission. At least you haven't changed since our school days."
Deccus turned to Holly, who had addressed him. "How haven't I changed?"
Holly was wearing tight armor, red with black trim. Deccus had never seen it before, yet it looked good on her. She didn't have a helmet on, so her pony-tailed brown hair hung down past her shoulders. She had a small backpack on, but Deccus didn't know what was in it.
She walked up to him and hit him on the chest with her knuckle, making his armor rattle. "You're late."
"Sorry if the General took longer than expected."
"That's the same excuse you used when you were late for class."
"Well, it worked then..."
"Hey! Lovebirds! Shut up!"
The soldier that was losing at cards had yelled loudly to stop the bickering. Lovebirds? Deccus thought.
The angry soldier was dressed in black armor, black helmet and black boots. It seemed to reflect his mood perfectly.
The silence was broken by the person on the window sill. "Thank you, Kaeden. That will suffice."
Kaeden grunted and sat down.
"Hello, captain. I don't believe we introduced ourselves properly. I am Kleth." He stuck out his hand. "What's your name?"
Deccus shook Kleth's hand. The hand bore fingerless gloves, made of leather. Kleth wore a light coat and boots, with numerous tools hanging from his belt, and a full looking backpack filled with who knows what. "I'm Deccus, your commander for this mission."
Holly spoke up. "If you can keep your mental stability for more than five minutes, that is."
"Don't read too much into what she says, Kleth." Deccus whispered to his companion.
"I've inferred that from the five minutes that I've known her. You look more than adept at commanding our squad." he replied intelligently.
"Thank you. I don't seem to know the character behind you, though."
Kleth glanced behind him and looked back. "Oh, yes. That's Ted. He's rather quiet, so we don't know him at all well. Kaeden seems to know him good, though."
"That's cuz he's my neighbor." Kaeden replied loudly. "I've known him since before the Academy."
Ted nodded a hello and started packing the cards. He had a navy-blue down filled coat and a toque on, with a face that clearly said he wasn't much a person for talking.
"I won’t pressure him." Deccus looked to the rest of the group. "What are the details to the mission?"
"The fortress we're to surmount is poorly defended." Kleth said and laid his notebook on the table. It was a drawing of a small outpost, drawn in perspective. "If we use a divide and conquer tactic, we can conquer this obstacle with relative ease."
"Divide and conquer? From the looks of it, there are only three fighters in this group!" Deccus exclaimed.
"Maybe. I'm a Systemator, so I do technical support. Receiving messages, sending and intercepting messages, repairing stuff, things like that. Kaeden is an Elite unit, with a bazooka-like Snowthrower, and such making him lethal on the battlefield. You, as a Shield Joe can defend and attack simultaneously, making you very capable of the assault. Holly is a Snow Fox unit, so she can attack rather deftly with her heavily modified Snowthrower."
"What's so modified about it?"
Deccus was then hit with a cloud of snow. He was partially buried in snow from Holly's Snowthrower. He came up sputtering.
"Wha- ph- was that?"
"Instead of packing the snow into one projectile, like Kaeden's, it focuses the snow into a continuous stream, like a real flamethrower." Kleth described the weapon in Holly's arms, consisting of a thin gun connected to a pack on her back.
"Don't we have a mission to do?" Kaeden said loudly.
"Right. We should go." Kleth walked out. Everyone followed.
The first half hour of the trip was spent in silence. Kaeden broke the placid scene by asking when lunch was, but was silenced by a sandwich from Kleth.
It was a two hour hike to the mission target, but only the first quarter was quiet.
“You know what? We should talk, get to know each other better.” Kleth said while hopping to catch up. “Better knowledge of your comrades is proven to lead to better performance on the battlefield, you know.”
He was hushed by a grunt from Kaeden, but Holly came to his rescue. “You know, he’s right. We should talk about each other more. Deccus, tell everyone about yourself.”
Deccus hesitated. “What? Why me?”
“Because, you’re the leader. They always go first.”
“Fine.” He sighed and began to speak.
“I was raised in Alberta, Canada, in a town that you’ve never heard of before. I was fairly average. Good grades, a few friends, things like that. My parents heard about the problem up here, and I was drafted for the Snowcraft force. They thought it would be a good experience for me. I met Holly at the Academy and we became friends, mostly because of spite. After I graduated when I was ten, and I fought on the field for two years, rising in the ranks up to Valiant status, due to my assistance in numerous missions. I was called to meet the General, and here I am. I’ve never seen Holly since graduation, so I was surprised to see her here.
“Now, how about you, Holly?”
She launched into her story immediately, not surprised by Deccus’s haste.
“I was born in a farming community in Colorado. I had eight brothers and no sisters, so it’s not a surprise that I don’t act that feminine. My parents wanted me to meet other girls my age, so they sent me here. I was already strong from farm work, so the training here was nothing. The only one that could compete with me in the physical department was Deccus, so we always competed for first. He beat me in the end, and thus that’s partly why he has Valiant status and I don’t. Not that I’d care, but I’d like to beat him at something. I was told to talk to the General, and I offered to use my old dorm as a meeting room, you all came along, so now I’m hiking with some idiots.”
“Hey! I’m not at all unintelligent!” Kleth stormed.
“I said some, Kleth. Not all of you.”
“Oh. That’s good. Who’s next?”
No one jumped at the offer.
“Fine. I’ll go.” Kleth cleared his throat and spoke.
“I was actually born in the town of Vahal. Believe it or not, my parents were only ten when I was born.”
“WHAT!?” Everyone was completely caught off guard.
“Isn’t it impossible for someone so young to have kids?” Holly seemed genuinely worried.
“Of course not. The youngest couple to have a child were nine years old, so my parents weren’t special. If being raised in this climate doesn’t make a person resistant to cold, I don’t know what does. Of course, I was drafted at the Academy when I was six. I never was good in the physical department, so I compensated by training my mind to the extreme. I graduated with flying colors in the academic courses, but barely passed in anything else. That made me automatically qualified to be a Systemator, so I participated in numerous battles repairing transports while being bombarded by enemy fire. I’ve had to defend myself with my wrench on more than one occasion.”
He patted the said tool strung to his belt. It looked to be a high-quality chrome tool. “I was asked to come on this mission, so I’m here being packboy for you folks.”
Kaeden let out a belch from his just finished sandwich.
“Why don’t you tell us about yourself, Kaeden? I’m sure it’ll be interesting.” Holly asked.
*this is only the first 2.5 pages. Anyone who wants the full thing i can e-mail the MS Word or wordpad document to you*
